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29 January 2023 10 Min Read

How to Let Go of Toxic People That Hold You Back?

Toxic people have a problem with every solution. They will hold you back and drag you down, hoping you’ll stick to their level instead of rising high and reaching your potential.

I am sure you have dealt with someone who fits this description at some point in your life, either from your so-called friends, coworkers, or even family members.

Toxic people are all around us. We see them every day, let them in our lives, and we sometimes don’t even notice that they are a bad influence on us. And when you don’t know the root of the problem, getting rid of it is more difficult. So, the first step in dealing with toxicity is to recognize it.

What Is Toxic Behavior?

Toxic — by definition, something poisonous, venomous, or dangerous. When used to describe a person’s behavior, the word “toxic” represents something, in plain words, bad for you.

People’s toxic behavior can be seen in the small details, rarely noticeable at first glance, or it can be clear as a day. But no matter in what shape or form it comes, it will negatively affect your mental health and well-being. It will drive you away from joy and happiness and make you doubt yourself or your capabilities.

How to Detect Toxic People?

Toxic people are only good for one thing — bringing you down. While this can come in many patterns, toxic people possess some common personality traits. Usually, they are:

Judgmental and always first to criticize you
Self-centered and keep disappointing you
Drain your positive energy all the time
Always play the victim
Create unnecessary drama
They can’t admit that they are wrong
Always put their needs and feelings first
Make you feel like you are not good enough
Think that they are entitled to special treatment
They don’t hype you up, even when you are excited
Interested in bad news but not in the good ones
Bully and intimidate you or other people
Never compliment you but tend to copy everything you do
Constantly full of contagious negative energy

Warning

Toxic people can go much further than this or do small things you’ll barely notice until it’s too late.

Once you locate the problem; next, you need to think of the best solution for it.

How To Deal With Toxicity The Right Way?

Letting go of toxic people is extremely difficult. Even when you know someone is not good for you, you can still find it hard to let them go. You might feel insecure, feel like you can help them or “fix them,” or you are simply stuck in a pattern with this person. Either way, you will suffer the consequences. They will push your limits and suck you dry every time!

Important

Remember, tough times don’t last, but tough people do.

So, don’t be the hamster stuck in a wheel. Things won’t change until you take the initiative. While you might have good intentions, I don’t recommend you stay in toxic relationships, no matter the reason. And if someone shows you their true colors, believe them.

Acknowledge The Situation and Say No

One of the first things to do, and for that matter, the best way to deal with toxicity, is to acknowledge it and learn to say no.

Say no to bad behavior, to people who make you doubt yourself, and to yourself when you are toxic.

While saying no is such a simple solution, it’s not at all easy. And sure, it might be challenging, especially if you are dealing with a dramatic person that tends to get things their way. But the good news is it becomes much easier with practice.

Make A List of The Reasons

If you find it difficult to let go of toxic people, it will help to make a clear list of why you should do it.

We tend to stick to good memories in our minds. So, while you are with this person, you might feel hurt, humiliated, etc. However, you might forget how they made you feel after a while and give them another chance. And there you have it; yet again, you are stuck in a cycle where they hurt you over and over again.

Due to this, I tend to keep a note of things. And don’t get me wrong, I don’t do it for all people in my life.

Pay attention and become 100% aware of how people make you feel. Everyone can hurt you occasionally or say a mean thing to you. In reality, anyone can do you wrong, but that’s not a cause for alarm.

However, if most of your interactions involve emotional or verbal abuse and aren’t followed by an apology, that’s a major red flag. If someone intentionally and continually hurts you, make a list of their doings and keep it close. So, next time you feel emotional and consider giving them a chance, you can remind yourself why you have distanced yourself.

Note

Personal struggles don’t justify such behavior, and you don’t have to accept becoming a victim due to it.

Stop Playing Into Their Reality

Toxic people often portray themselves as victims. In this process, they might blame you for a long list of doings, for offending, hurting them, being selfish, or not caring about their needs.

Instead of engaging with this behavior and explaining or defending yourself, I recommend you apologize for the MISUNDERSTANDING and forget about it.

Also, don’t get drawn in and never be supportive of their claims. For instance, if they tell you about a situation with a third person, and you smile and nod, they might perceive it as you agree with them. So, they will involve you in such situations over and over again, draining your energy.

Instead, say you have a DIFFERENT VIEW of the situation, speak facts, and avoid accusations. Remaining calm is also key.

When you respond in this way repeatedly, they will ultimately stop involving you. Why? Because you disagree, and they are looking for the opposite – a confirmation they are right (even when they are not) and drama.

Don’t Wait For An Apology Or Closure

We’ve all seen movies where a couple or friends decide to reunite years later for “closure.” And we’ve also seen when someone decides to give the person a second chance during this closure. However, life is not the movies, and closure is not an innocent or cute act.

Waiting for closure or that one last conversation will only waste your time. If you have decided to end things with this person, I recommend cutting them off completely and walking away.

Note

Even a single point of contact can draw you back into the toxic cycle and open old wounds, so disappear and don’t turn back.

Toxic people are often manipulative. So, they can easily draw you in again, especially if you give them a chance. So, it would be best to remain unavailable. Don’t engage in their passive-aggressive behavior, and try to slowly break the addiction you have to this person.

Remember, It’s Not Your Fault

Toxic people can easily make you feel like it’s your fault, even if you did nothing wrong. You might second-guess your words and actions, even when a situation has nothing to do with you (and everything to do with them).

Yes, these thoughts will push you down and make you feel disappointed, anxious, and depressed. However, it’s important to see the reality. Only this way you will be able to handle the situation calmly and solve the problem.

Moreover, stop blaming and doubting yourself. Why would they do this to me? I was fair; I was a good friend; I was… It doesn’t matter! You can’t change the situation, but you can change how you react. They are projecting their often miserable reality on you. So, adjust your point of view and move on.

Recognize Your Value

When you aren’t satisfied with who you are and seek validation, you’ll do everything so that others will like you. And yes, that includes accepting one’s toxicity and negativity. On the other hand, when you know your true value, toxic people won’t be able to affect you or harm you in any way.

So, don’t rely on other people’s opinions, and improve your self-confidence. Understand it’s a privilege for someone to enter your life and “spend” your time. Only this way you’ll gather the strength to leave situations and relationships that don’t serve you well.

Don’t Try To Fix Them

People won’t change, especially if they don’t see a problem in their actions. So, why would you waste your energy explaining to someone that they are wrong or they did you badly if they don’t want to see it?

You can offer kindness and compassion if you don’t want to let go of someone. However, if this person isn’t willing to change, yet again, you’ll suffer the consequences. So, consider whether fixing someone will break you and act accordingly.

Make A Decision and Stick to It

You have decided to walk away from this person, and it was for a reason. Well, usually, a long list of reasons. However, you’ll also need the determination to realize this decision. So, where are you on a scale of 1-10?

If you are determined, feel strong, and prepared to let go of the person, you should begin the process. But if you are still doubting about staying or leaving, you might give yourself more time to prepare. After all, it will affect you, so you should be 100% certain about the decision, so you can stick to it and don’t bounce back.

Forgive and Move On

If you want to prosper in life, you need to surround yourself with positive people, those that encourage you to do better and be better, and people who will keep up with your growth.

Unfortunately, you will realize that even the people you thought were your friends can turn out to be a bad influence on you. Sometimes even your family members carry toxicity. And no matter how painful it can be, you must make the difficult decision of distancing yourself from them.

So no matter how challenging it might be, let go of the people who cause you pain, keep you from growing, and carry on with your life.

And believe me, forgiving will help you significantly. You are not doing it for them but for yourself. Forgive them for hurting you, and don’t put your mind and energy into the ‘whys.’ Accept reality as it is and MOVE ON.

Important

People come and go. However, how you deal with them makes you who you are.

Toxicity Can Also Come From Within - Are You Toxic?

Toxic behavior can come from the people around you, or it can come from within. You might not be aware of it, but you can be toxic to yourself just as much as others can be toxic to you.

Unfortunately, recognizing others’ bad behavior is easier than facing your own. So, here are some signs that might help you along the way.

You are toxic to others but even more to yourself if you:

Compare yourself to others and seek their validation
Have a negative attitude toward yourself
You are a perfectionist, even when it’s not necessary
Worry about your past and future instead of focusing on the present
Take everything personally and let other people’s opinions define you
Excessively judge yourself and others
You are insincere, seek attention, or you are jealous of others
Don’t strive for growth and often procrastinate
You can’t take responsibility and blame others for your deeds
Are not happy with yourself and don’t acknowledge your potential

Does any of it make sense or sound familiar? If yes, then it’s time for a change! The most important thing is to recognize this behavior on time and stop it from reoccurring.

Conclusion

No matter how much we celebrate our individuality, at the end of the day, we depend on others. This trait of ours keeps us alive and gives us the strength to carry on. However, not everyone deserves to be in your life. So, be careful and picky about who you let into your space and emotions.

And if you have made a wrong decision, so what? Don’t be afraid of change. Letting people go might be difficult. However, in the end, it will be well worth it. You will eliminate the negative energy from your life and open up space for new people to enter your life, better people that will support your goals and help you reach your potential!

Frequently Asked Questions

People will change if they see an issue in their actions and are motivated enough. Otherwise, it’s a waste of time trying to “fix them.”

Most often, yes. If you allow someone to get to you, they have the power to control your energy. Toxic people usually drain the positivity out of you and make you doubt yourself, therefore limiting your potential.

Suppose you cannot entirely avoid a toxic person. In that case, you can set and communicate boundaries on what you will tolerate, change your routine to avoid them, keep interactions superficial, stay calm and grounded, or encourage them to get help.

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